A computer message we can relate to:

When I wrote the wine label text for this year's releases, I found this HILARIOUS web site to generate silly tasting notes. See http://www.gmon.com/tech/stng.shtml. Scroll to the bottom of the page, select Make a New Note, and generate text like these. Have fun!

Rounded but equally over-oaked Merlot. Forcefully bites you with hair-spray, morally superior slim jims and traces of orange jello. Drink now through 2011.

Ready to drink and overdone Syrah. Essences of prune, acidic monster carrot and scant clay. Drink now through whenever the cows come home.

Intense but lackluster Cabernet. Reminiscent of peach-pit, arcane seedless watermelon and dainty beef. Drink now through 2012.

Creepy and whimsical Rose. Starts with pear, limp bourbon and semi-weak toast. Drink now through April.

Rich and smokey almost unripe Gamay. Detectable toast, middle-aged lime and corpulent juniper. Drink now through never.

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
 
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.
 

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note..
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back'
 

For women only:

What A Real Man Does

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the
room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible??

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.
That's what wine does...

Never mind.
 

Funny drinking quotes:

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy